


Quest for the Tiara: A John Egbert Movie

by AlloftheFandom



Category: Homestuck, SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: Bromance, but i took it way too far, meenah's actually HIC but whatever, spongebob au, there are more people but that's all that's important, this started as a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 04:19:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7251805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlloftheFandom/pseuds/AlloftheFandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her Imperious Condescension's Imperial Tiara has been stolen and now John and Dave are on a mission to get it back and save John's boss from an early death.</p><p>Yeah this is just a rewrite of the movie script from the Spongebob Squarepants movie. This is a parody so please don't sue me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quest for the Tiara: A John Egbert Movie

**Author's Note:**

> Ye faint of heart may want to turn back now.

"Ah, the sea. So beautiful and mysterious. So... wet... Our story begins in Bikini Bottom's most popular eatery, the Krusty Krab restaurant where..." The narrator began the tale before suddenly being interrupted by...

 

"Back up! Back up!" A red-spectacled fish cop pushed back a swarming crowd of anxious fish from the restaurant.

 

"What the hell?" The narrator asked. "What the shell is going on here???"

 

"Will you bulgelickers just fucking settle down?" Mr. K barked, gesturing to the restaurant in question. "We've got a fucking situation in there I'd rather not discuss until the manager gets here."

 

"Look," Assorted female fish number 806 exclaimed. "there he is!"

 

A sick looking car-boat pulled up through the fishy crowd. One door slammed open with a surprising amount of force, revealing the leg of the much awaited man. A blue sponge stepped out of the vehicle blowing a bubble akin to how hard-boiled cops take a drag from their cigarette in scenes just like this one in less intense movies.

 

"Talk to me, Kark." The sponge muttered, walking toward the building as the crab walked beside him.

 

"It started out as a basic order: a Krabby Patty with cheese. When the customer got the patty..." Mr. K hesitated, frightened. "There was no cheese!" The crab began to cry and the cerulean sponge slapped him across the face.

 

"Get a hold of yourself Karkat. I'm going in." The spongy guy pushed the double glass doors open into the darkened eatery. A solitary violet fish sat at a table in the center of the building, a devastated look on his face as he stared at a Krabby Patty.

 

"Take it easy friend," The sponge began, setting a black briefcase down on the table. "I'm the manager of this here establishment. Everything's gonna be just fine."

 

"I'm reely scared here man." The fish punned nervously.

 

"You got a name?" The sponge asked casually. Too casually for the magnitude of the situation.

 

"E-Eridan."

 

The sponge put on a pair of gloves. "You got a family Eridan?" The violet fish whimpered and the somehow sentient sponge aggressively snapped at him. "Come on, Eridan, stay with me. Let's hear about that family!"

 

"I-I've got a wwife and twwo beautiful children." The fish said.

 

"Don't lie to me Eridan. Now, I want you to do me a favor."

 

"Wwhat?"

 

The sponge pulled out a pair of tweezers, clicking them once or twice. "Say cheese." He lowered piece of cheese he'd had in his briefcase onto the sandwich. He then picked the fish up and kicked the doors open. The crowd gasped in amazement at the spectacle. The cheese on the patty seemed to gain a lustrous sheen, which probably wasn't healthy.

 

"Order up." The sponge said, causing all the ladies to swoon.

 

"Three cheers for the manager!" The crowd yelled, lifting the sponge high above their heads. "Hip! Hip! *HOOOOOOOONK!* Hip! Hip! *HOOOOOOOONK*"

 

The blue sponge shot awake in his bed, prompted by the honking of his foghorn alarm. His pet snail, Casey, meowed at him as a say of good morning.

 

"HOORAY! Casey! I had that dream again and it's finally going to come true!" The cerulean cleaning tool hopped out of bed and hurried to the wall. "Sorry about this, calendar!" The sponge apologized, as he ripped off the previous day's calendar date paper. It revealed that that day's date was the 7th of April and a small illustration was drawn below the date of the Krusty Krab, but it had a large 2 on the roof instead of nothing.

 

"Today is the grand opening of the Krusty Krab 2 where Mr. K will announce the new manager!" The sponge shouted excitedly.

 

"Meow." Said Casey.

 

"Who's it gonna be, Casey? Well, let's ask my wall of 314 consecutive Employee of the Month awards!" He gestured excitedly at the wall which was covered floor-to-ceiling with Employee of the Month pictures.

 

"JOHN EGBERT!" All the portraits yelled in unison despite being literal pictures which can't talk.

 

"I'm ready! Promotion!" John started his morning routine which consisted of a very weird shower, putting on seemingly cardboard pants, and brushing his eyes using toothpaste. "Cleanliness is next to managerliness." He said before bursting out the front door with an exuberant shout of "I'M READY!"

 

It is now that we see how the other Krusty Krab employee is preparing for her day: with a shower. Like a normal person; no bodily inflation involved (I'm kinkshaming).

 

"La da dee, la da doo, la da dum.~ La da dee, la da doo, la da dum.~" She sang elegantly as she cleaned herself.

 

"La da dee, la da doo, la da dum.~ La da dee, la da doo, la da d-" The octopus abruptly stopped singing when she realized that someone else was singing along with her.

 

"Dee, la da doo, la da dum, da da dum. Da da da.~" John sang along, not realizing how weird this was.

 

"John! What the hell are you doing in my shower?!" She shouted, covering herself with the shower curtain.

 

"I have something to tell you, Rose." John said, perturbed slightly by her angry tone.

 

"What ever it is, can't it wait until we're at work?" Rose stepped back further from the spongy interloper.

 

"Well, there's no shower at work." John explained.

 

"What do you need?" Rose sighed, exasperation lacing her voice.

 

"I just wanted to say I'll be thanking you in my managerial acceptance speech later today!" He explained even further, a smile on his porous face.

 

"Get out!" Rose screamed, throwing the sponge out her bathroom window.

 

"Um, okay! See you at the ceremony!" John called, before setting off once more, except in the wrong direction for work, towards his best friend's house.

 

"That sounds like the new manager of the the Krusty Krab 2. Wait, shit, I don't have any clothes on, hold on a sec." John's starfish friend, Dave shouted to him. Dave crawled back out from under the rock he lived under, this time with clothes. "Congratulations, my dude."

 

"Oh, haha, thanks Dave! Tonight, after my big promotion, we're gonna party til we're purple!"

 

"Fuck yeah, I love being purple." Dave said, maybe a hint of excitement in his voice. One can never be too sure with him.

 

"We're going to the place where all the action is." John whispered.

 

"You don't mean?"

 

"Oh I mean." Suddenly an old-timey record player emerged from the sand with a record already playing. Hats suddenly appeared on John and Dave's heads.

 

"Oh I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah! You're a Goofy Goober, yeah! We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah! Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah!" The duo sang along with the record.

 

"Hey, don't you have to go like, right now?" Dave asked, ever the sentient clock even in this.

 

"Yeah, thanks man!" John said before sprinting off in the direction of the Krusty Krab. "I'm ready! Promotion! I'm ready! Promotion!"

 

"Good luck, bro! Look for me at the ceremony. I've got a little surprise for ya!" Dave called after his best bro.

 

\---

 

"Hello Bikini Bottom! Aradia Megido here, reporting live from in front of the Krusty Krab! For years this restaurant was the only place in the sea to get a mouthwatering Krabby Patty. Until today that is!" The reporter explained to the camera. "You heard right! Longtime owner Mr. K is opening a brand new restaurant creatively named: the Krusty Krab 2! First of all, congratulations Mr. K!"

 

"Hello, I like money." The crab answered, a forced smile on his face.

 

"Haha." The red reporter fish laughed almost nervously. "What inspired you to build a second Krusty Krab, directly next to the original?"

 

"Money." The crustacean replied, simply. The crowd laughed.

 

Unsurprisingly, a certain black plankton has been watching this whole scene unfold from inside his failing pseudo-restaurant.

 

"Curses! It ain't fair!" The black plankton exclaimed angrily. "That crab is bein' interviewed by Aradia fuckin' Megido, and I've never had one customer!" The word seemed to echo through the desolate bucket.

 

"Don't get worked up again, Jack, I just mopped the floors." A mobile computer complained.

 

"Oh, Snowman, my computer wife, if only I could have managed to steal Vantas's success, the formula for the Krabby Patty. Then people would line up at my restaurant to eat an' I'd have the money to open another restaurant. Lord knows I've tried. I've used every single plan in my filin' cabinet, from A to Y." The tiny creature complained.

 

"A to Y?" The robot asked.

 

"Yeah, A to Y. Ya know, the alphabet?"

 

"What about Z?" The computer droned.

 

"Z?"

 

"Z. The letter after Y." The computer explained, aggravated.

 

"That can't be right." The mean bean said. He walked over to the aforementioned filing cabinet, ready to prove his computer wife wrong. "W, X, Y... Z? Huh, guess it was here."

 

"What did I say?" The computer said.

 

"Hm... It's evil, it's diabolical," he sniffed the file. "It's lemon scented! This Plan Z can't possibly fail!" He stepped outside, shooting a glare at his rival restaurant.

 

"Enjoy today, Vantas, 'cause by tomorrow, I'll have the formula. Then everyone will eat at the Chum Bucket and I will rule the world! All hail Noir! All hail-" The plankton was cut off by suddenly being stepped on.

 

"I'm ready! Promotion! I'm ready! Promotion!" The sponge shouted as he ran along, not noticing the pained yelps coming from his shoe.

 

"Bluh, I think I stepped in something." The sponge noted and began scraping off the bottom of his shoe on the asphalt.

"Not in somethin', on someone, ya fuck!" The bean screamed in rage.

 

"Oh, sorry Jack! Are you on your way to the grand opening ceremony?" The spongy dude asked the tiny creature.

 

"No, I'm not on my way to the grand opening ceremony." The plankton mocked. "I'm busy planning to rule the world!"

 

"Oh, well, good luck with that!" The sponge continued on his journey to the grand opening ceremony continuing to shout about being ready for his promotion that may or may not come.

 

"Stupid kid..."

 

The sponge approached the large gathering and took a seat in the front row next to his co-worker.

 

"Welcome, welcome, everyone to the grand opening of the Krusty Krab 2!" Mr. K started from behind a podium.

 

"We paid 9 dollars for this?" Kanaya, the school teacher, asked.

 

"I paid 10!" Jade, a dog who had begun living in the ocean for scientific purposes, complained.

 

"Now, before we cut the ribbon, I'd like to announce the new manager for the Krusty Krab 2!" The crab continued, seemingly not noticing the complaints from the audience. Or at least not caring, since he's rather used to it.

 

"YEAH! NOW WE'RE TALKING! YEAH!" John shouted.

 

"Uh, yes. Now anyway, the new manager is a loyal, hardworking employee."

 

"Yes!" John thought.

 

"The obvious choice for the job." The crustacean continued.

 

"Hes right!"

 

"A name you all know..."

 

"That's gotta be me!"

 

"Please welcome our new manager... Rose Lalonde!" Mr. K pulled a cord that unfurled a banner with Rose's face plastered across it.

 

"Yes! Yeah!" John cheered, obviously not noticing that it was his co-worker's name called. He shook Rose's hand. "Better luck next time, man! Yeah! Woo!"

 

The excitable sponge bounced onto the stage and took the microphone from his crabby boss. "Citizens of Bikini Bottom, as the new manager of-"

 

"John," Mr. K prompted his naive employee.

 

"Hold on a moment folks, I'm getting an important news flash from Mr. K. Go ahead, buddy." The sponge announced, oblivious. The crab whispered to him. "I'm making a complete what of myself?" John asked. The crab whispered again. "The most embarrassing thing you've ever seen?" The crab whispered a final time. "And now it's worse because I'm repeating everything you say into the microphone?"

 

"Oh for fuck's sake, John! You didn't get the fucking job." Mr. K exclaimed angrily.

 

"What?" John asked, completely lost.

 

"You... did not... get the job." The crab sighed, trying to simplify it for the sponge.

 

"But, but why?" The sponge was on the verge of tears.

 

"John, you're an excellent fry cook, but I gave the job to Rose because being a manager is a big fucking responsibility. Well... let's face it, she's more mature than you." Mr. K tried to explain gently.

 

"I'm not... mature?" John asked, voice wavering.

 

"John, I mean this in the nicest way, but there's a definite word for what you are and it's... No that's not it... Well maybe? Nah..."

 

"Dork?" Jake suggested.

 

"No, not a dork."

 

"A goofball?" Roxy suggested.

 

"Closer, but no. That's not it."

 

"A ding-a-ling!"

 

"Wing nut!"

 

"A Knucklehead McSpazatron!" It was too hard to tell who had said it, it all happened so quickly.

 

"Okay! That's enough! Look, what I'm trying to say is, you're a kid. To be a manager you need to be a man, or woman. You need to be mature. Do you understand?" Mr. K explained without cursing for once in his fucking life.

 

"I guess..." John sighed, deflating.

 

"John?" Mr. K asked as the blue sponge walked away sadly.

 

"I'm ready... Depression... I'm ready... Depression..." The sponge dragged his feet as he walked away from the ceremony.

 

"Poor kid..." The crab muttered.

 

"Let's hear it for John! My best bro! There's literally nothing gay about our friendship I swear. I'm not fucking gay." Dave yelled as he somehow flew through the air completely naked. He managed to crash into the stage and lit the entire thing on fire.

 

"I said: Let's hear it for John. Is anyone still here? Probably not... I should probably clean this up..." Dave looked at the mess he just caused.

 

"David, would you care to explain why exactly you think the best way to congratulate your best friend is showing up naked?" Rose inquired, and eyebrow raised.

 

"Shut up Rose..."

 

\---

 

Her Imperious Condescension lounged on her throne, not really caring much about whatever was going on. Such trivial matters should not be wasted on the Empress, she had a country to run.

 

"The Royal Court is now in session! Bring the prisoner forward" The squire announced. What was his name again? Equine? Whatever, HIC didn't have time for such minor details.

 

"So, you have confessed to the crime of touching the Empress's tiara?" She fully realized that this was complete bullshit, but she found the fear on her subjects faces to be entertaining.

 

"Y-Y-Yes, but..." The prisoner whimpered.

 

"But what?" The Condesce asked lazily, with a glare.

 

"W-Well it's my, uh j-job your Imperial M-Majesty!" The prisoner insisted. "I'm the r-royal crown p-polisher."

 

"Well I can't execute you for that." She said, inspecting her nails. "I guess we'll just have to settle with... Hmm... 15, no, 20 years in the dungeon."

 

"Mother!" Feferi, the Empress's daughter, exclaimed. She swam to the tiara polisher and unlocked the chains that bound their hands. "You're free to go!"

 

"Th-Thank you Princess Feferi!" The accused polisher blushed and ran out the grand doors of the court room.

 

"Feferi, why must you always do this?" The Condesce complained to the heiress, a little dramatically.

 

"Why must you be so cruel to your subjects?" Feferi queried angrily.

 

"I'm the empress, I'm supposed to enforce the laws of the sea!" She yelled even though she really couldn't care less. She had an image to uphold after all. Even if it was terrible.

 

"Mom, I wish you'd try a little love and compassion instead of these harsh punishments!" Feferi exclaimed.

 

"That would be nice..." The squire muttered under his breath. The Condesce smacked him on the head with her trident.

 

"Squire, clear the room! I have important matters to discuss with my daughter." The room quickly cleared out, the fear of what the Condesce may do to them if they didn't.

 

"What is this Feferi?" She asked her daughter, gesturing to her tiara.

 

"Your tiara? What about it?" Feferi asked, a little confused at the strange topic.

 

"And what does it represent?" The Condesce asked forcefully, taking off the tiara and placing it carefully on a velvet pillow.

 

"Mom, why are you asking me this?" Feferi was almost concerned at this point, she didn't know where this would lead.

 

"What does it represent?" The Condesce demanded.

 

"Your command over the sea?"

 

"Exactly, without this tiara I could hardly be considered a proper ruler at all. A good ruler should always be able to establish her dominance over others with just her appearance alone. When you finally can you maybe you'll be able to rule the sea." The Condesce explained to her.

 

"Mom, your tiara is..." Feferi began.

 

"What is it? Spit it out girl!" The Condesce yelled.

 

"It's gone..." Feferi stared wide-eyed at the empty pillow. She felt bad for whatever poor soul would have to face her mother's wrath.

 

Meanwhile a small plankton flew away from the sand castle with the aid of a jet pack, a bag containing a pricey treasure inside. He cackled under his breath about how excellent his evil plan was.

 

\---

 

"Hey all you goobers, it's time to say howdy to your favorite undersea peanut, Goofy Goober!" A clock with a familiar, friendly face practically sang. Stage curtains were pulled open to reveal an underpaid employee in a peanut costume.

 

"Howdy, Goofy Goober!" The audience of kids scream-greeted the dancing sea peanut.

 

"OOOOOOOOHHHH, I'm a Goofy Goober, YEAH! You're a Goofy Goober, YEAH! We're all Goofy Goobers, YEAH!" The pre-recorded track sang gleefully.

 

"GOOFY, GOOFY, GOOBER, GOOBER, YEAH!" The kids joined in with the track with more verve than some random musical artist could ever hope to achieve. No one seemed to notice the distressed kitchen sponge bawling his eyes out onto the bar counter. If he were more coherent he would be more thankful for the lack of other bar patrons.

 

"Alright, John, pull it together man. I've got it, I'll just stop thinking about it. Hey, this isn't so bad I can almost forget about why I was upset in the first place. Just gotta stop thinking about it." John muttered to himself as he lay face down at the bar. He pulled himself up a little.

 

"Hey bro." Dave greeted casually as he strode up to the bar. "I heard what happened from Rose, sorry man, guess it just wasn't meant to be." John started crying again.

 

"Lighten up, John. If Karkat's willing to drop money to open another restaurant, he'll probably open another one in the future and he can't make Rose the manager of two restaurants. You'll probably be the manager of that one then. If that happens..." Dave tried to cheer up his depressed bro.

 

"I'm gonna go home, I'm not really feeling Gooberish right now..." John trudged out of the bar with every intention to go home.

 

"Here's your Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, sir." A tired looking waiter said, placing the extravagant cocktail down in front of Dave.

 

"Oh hell yes, thanks my guy." Dave did finger pistols at the waiter.

 

"Wait, that actually sounds pretty good!" John said stepping back into the bar. "One please."

 

The duo ate their ice-cream swiftly and were soon demanding more.

 

"Waiter!" John called.

 

This process repeated itself countless times and it got increasingly ridiculous. Needless to say, both of them got hella drunk.

 

"Why do I always get the nuts." The waiter grumbled, shaking his head.

 

Eventually, the drunk bros ended up on stage, arms around the poor peanut actor.

 

"Alrighty folks," John hiccuped. "this next one goes out to my two bestest friends whole world. Dave an' this big peanut guy. Iss a lil tune called:"

 

"WAITER!" They yelled in unison before they passed out on the floor.

 

\---

 

"Hey, hey, buddy. Yeah I'm talking to you." John groggily opened his eyes to the disgruntled form of the waiter hovering over him. "C'mon get up, I wanna go home, pal."

 

"Wuh-What? Ow, my head." John groaned, massaging his temples. "What happened last night?"

 

"Ugh, you and your buddy over there passed out on the floor so I couldn't go home. It's 8 in the fucking morning will you please take your buddy and get out of here, I want to go home." The waiter lisped tiredly.

 

"8 in the morning? Shit, I'm late for work! Dave, wake up we gotta skedaddle!" John said brightening up the slightest bit.

 

"Five more minutes..." Dave whined, shifting away from his friend.

 

"We don't have five minutes, I'm late for work!" John exclaimed, squinting in the light.

 

"Go on without me, I'm not worth it..." Dave trailed off.

 

"Dave, don't say that, we have to go, this guy's gonna kick us out."

 

"I am kicking you out, assholes!" The waiter yelled.

 

"Mr. K is gonna be so mad at me!" Suddenly, John's face screwed up in disgust. "Mr. K"

 

\---

 

"Listen up Lalonde, as the new manager you've got to keep an eye out for paying customers." Mr. K explained to the octopus as he peered through a telescope at the road surrounding the barrel shaped eatery.

 

"I know, Karkat, you've told me this before." Rose said, boredom laced in her tone.

 

"Holy shit!" Karkat yelled obviously surprised by what he saw.

 

"Let me guess, Her Imperious Condescension herself is riding up to our humble establishment." Rose guessed with the same flat tone she had been keeping.

 

"Yes, actually. How the hell???" Karkat started toward the door.

 

"A magician never reveals her secrets." Rose laughed airily.

 

Outside, Her Imperious Condescension pulled up in an eye-searingly fuchsia carriage, her daughter by her side.

 

"Stay in the carriage Feferi, mommy's got thieves to take care of." The Condesce growled authoritatively.

 

"Mother please, this is an overreaction, it's really not that big of a deal. You can-" Feferi desperately tried to stop her mother's cruel intentions.

 

"Silence, child, I know what I'm doing." She stormed into the restaurant, her massive hair flowing dramatically flowing around her.

 

"Attention subjects, I seek the one known as Karkat Vantas." The Condesce demanded. "May he present himself to me at once."

 

"That would be me," The crustacean looked rather pleased with himself. "Is there anything I can-"

 

Her Imperious Condescension slammed her trident against the floor. "I'm onto you Vantas, you have stolen my imperial tiara, you cannot deny your involvement in this crime for you mistakenly left one damning piece of evidence." She held out a sheet of notebook paper that had the phrase 'I STOLE YOUR TIARA. SIGNED, KARKAT VANTAS' in unbelievably shitty handwriting.

 

"I didn't fucking write that! Why the hell would any thief in their right mind leave some shitty note that says they stole something?!" Karkat shouted in disbelief.

 

"Why don't you tell me that, buoy?" The Condesce loomed over him angrily, tyrian eyes flashing.

 

"I JUST FUCKING SAID I DIDN'T FUCKING WRITE IT!" The crab yelled, about ready to fight the fish empress.

 

Suddenly the phone rang. It answered after the first ring.

 

"This is Karkat Vantas, owner and founder of the Krusty Krab. Please leave a message after the beep." A voice imitating the crustacean's scratchy tones said.

 

"Hi, Mr. K. This is Doc, the guy you sold the empress's tiara to. I just wanted to thank you for selling me the tiara, the imperial tiara. I wanted you to know that I sold the tiara to a gentleman in Shell City. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you selling me the tiara, the imperial tiara, which is nowinShellCitygoodbye." The articulate voice that was almost certainly an impression of someone else.

 

"D-Don't you just hate wrong numbers." The crab pushed the answering machine and phone to the ground which did nothing to stop what had already been said.

 

"My tiara is in the forbidden Shell City?" The Condesce shrieked, flying into a rage.

 

"Prepare to burn, Vantas." She pointed her trident at the crab and her eyes began to crackle with psionic energy.

 

"Please don't fucking do this, I swear I didn't fucking take your shitty tiara. What the hell would I even get for stealing it?" Karkat was backed against the steel wall, cowering in fear. "Please, anyone can vouch for me!"

 

"Fine." She drew back her trident and held it perpendicular to the ground. "Is there anyone here who would like to speak for this conniving crustacean's innocence, please don't."

 

With a cheery 'ding,' a certain blue sponge stumbled into the tense eatery, still slightly drunk. "I've got somethin' to say about Mr. K." He shuffled around for a moment before turning to face the enraged empress.

 

"Egbert! Please, tell her about me. Wait are you even sob-" The terrified crustacean cried.

 

"I've worked for Mr. K for many- *hic* - years and always thought he was a great boss." The inebriated dish-cleaner managed to hiccup out, cutting off his boss's statement.

 

"See! A great boss!" The crab interjected desperately.

 

"I now realize that he's a great, big JERK!" The sponge shouted, startling the crab. "I deserved that manager job! But you didn't give it to me, cause you said I'm a kid. Well I am 100% MAN. And this MAN has got somethin' to say to you!" He then blew a very long raspberry and it was quite awkward for everyone involved. "There. I think I made my point!"

 

"Would anyone else like to speak for the crab's innocence?" The Condesce practically purred in amusement. "No? Well then."

 

The end of her trident became ablaze with fire despite the fact they were underwater and there really can't be fire underwater. She shot the accused crab with a bolt of fire which in turn, lit him on fire.

 

"OW! FUCK!" The burning crustacean screamed. He scrambled into a Very Convenient Tub of Water™ which doused the flames immediately.

 

"And now," The fish empress pointed her trident at the crab once more. "you... will..."

 

"Wait!" The cerulean sponge threw himself in front of the trident, having sobered up alarmingly quickly when his boss was set on fire. "I'm flattered you would do this on my account, but not making me manager isn't worth killing someone over!"

 

"Silence, you invertebrate fool! Your bass stole my tiara and now it's in Shell City! That's why he must burn." The Condesce spat out bitterly.

 

"Isn't it a little harsh to kill someone over a tiara? I mean you still rule the sea without it." The sponge said, a little confused.

 

"Appearances are everything sponge buoy." The empress laughed almost mockingly. "Of course I still rule the sea, but how will anyone know it's me?"

 

"Well, I don't think you need to worry about not being recognized, your presence is kind of hard to miss!" The sponge explained "And you can't really see it anyway because your massive hair covers it most of the time." He muttered under his breath.

 

"What was that buoy? You reely must speak up." The Condesce questioned, despite hearing what he said because he has terrible volume control.

 

"Um... I said, well rather asked: Would you spare the life of Mr. K if I get your tiara back?" The sponge asked quickly, making up the question on the spot. He decided he was rather satisfied with what he came up with.

 

"You? Go to Shell City? Ha! No one who's gone to Shell City has ever returned! What makes you think you could be the one to do it? You're just a kid." She mocked, a dark smile playing on her painted lips. She liked where this was going.

 

"But I'm not a kid!" John protested. "I can do it!"

 

"Run along, I've got a crab to cook." She decided to test him, just a bit. Unsurprisingly, the sponge ran in front of her readied weapon.

 

"No! I won't let you!" He declared defiantly.

 

"Very well then, I guess I'll just have to fry you both." The Condesce let out a cackle of a laugh just as her daughter swam in and placed a careful hand on her mother's arm.

 

"Mother, stop it! Can't you go one day with out executing someone?" Feferi inquired, voice staying strong despite her disbelief.

 

"Feferi, I told you to stay in the carriage." She could work with this.

 

"Where's your love and compassion?" She picked up the cerulean sea/kitchen sponge. "Look at this little guy, he's willing to risk his own life for not only your tiara, but the life of someone else as well! Can't you just give the kid a chance? What have you got to lose?"

 

"Hmm..." The Condesce made a kind of non-committal noise, she wanted to see if her daughter could come up with anything else.

 

"Please!" Feferi demanded lightly.

 

"Alright, fine, I'll give the sponge a chance. But when your puny champion fails, you'll be the one to blame. The deaths of this crab and this sponge will be on your hands." She turned to the Phthalo sponge. "As for you, be back here with my tiara in exactly ten days or the crab dies."

 

"He can do it in nine!" Dave argued, standing up from where he'd been reclining against the wall.

 

"Eight!" The Condesce shot back.

 

"Seven!"

 

"Six!"

 

"Dave!" Both crab and sponge tackle the starfish to the ground to get him to stop.

 

"Six it is then. Be back here on the sixth day or your precious crab, fries. Good luck, buoy. You'll need it." She laughed.

 

"Fi-ive." Dave managed to choke out as Mr. K held him in a chokehold.

 

"Strider, will you fucking stop for once in your life." The crab growled.

 

"Until then, the crab will remain, frozen, where he stands." The empress declared.

 

"Hold the fuck up, you complete n-" The crab was abruptly cut off on account of being frozen.

 

"Who turned on the AC?" Rose wondered aloud, finally looking up from her magazine. "Mr. K? This is terrible! Who's going to sign my paycheck?"

 

"Come along, Feferi." The fish empress left the building and the entire room seemed a lot more empty.

 

"Listen, you guys. The road to Shell City is reely dangerous! There's killers, crooks, and monsters everywhere. And worse, there's a mutant, killer cyclops who prowls on the outskirts of the city and preys on innocent sea creatures!" The mermaid princess told the duo. "Do not let them catch you or you'll never be seen again!"

 

"You're hot. Wait, shit, I we'll not! We'll not get caught. You're not hot. Shit! No! You're hot. I didn't say that right, and I'm just gonna shut up now." Dave face-palmed.

 

"Here, take this." Feferi didn't seem the slightest bit bothered by whatever that was that Dave just did. She handed the sponge a cloth bag.

 

"What is it?" John asked, giving the side of the bag an experimental poke. He opened it and was blasted in the face with wind.

 

"It's a magical bag of winds!" Feferi giggled, tying the bag up with a piece of string. "I stole them from my mother."

 

"John, I messed up." Dave whispered to his friend, now recovered from his mistake.

 

"Feferi!" Her mother called from outside.

 

"Coming, mother!" The princess called back. "Good luck, John!"

 

"Wait, how did you know my name?" The zaffre sponge asked.

 

"I'm going to be the empress one day!" She smiled. "I've learned all the names of the inhabitants of the sea!"

 

"What's my name?" Dave questioned, a little smug.

 

"That's easy!" She said. "You're Dave Strider!"

 

"Ayy." Was the starfish's only reply accompanied by finger pistols.

 

"Feferi!" Her mother called once more.

 

"I have to go. I believe in you guys!" The princess left in a blur of fuchsia.

 

"Thanks, Feferi!" John called after her. He turned to his frozen crab boss. "Don't worry Mr. K. Dave, Rose, and I-"

 

"Pass." The octopus hurried out the door before the two could drag her along with them.

 

"Dave and I." The sponge corrected.

 

"Yo." Dave said, approaching the chilly crustacean.

 

"We're gonna get that tiara back and save you from the Condesce's wrath!" The sponge cheered. "You've got nothing to worry about. Your life is in our hands. Dave! Let's go get that tiara!"

 

The two run into the kitchen where two fireman poles are placed leading somewhere underground. They go down the poles. They reach the floor and dart into the elevator. Awkward elevator music is playing. The doors open with a pleasant ding and the not very dynamic duo rushed to a car in the shape of a burger.

 

"Feast your eyes, Dave." John gestured at the sandwichmobile.

 

"What is it?" Dave asked in almost wonderment.

 

"The Patty Wagon." The sponge said intensely. "Mr. K uses it for promotional reasons! Let me show you some of its features. Sesame seed finish," He stroked the bun of the car. "steel-belted pickles," He gestured at the tires. "grilled leather interior," He patted the seat. "and under the hood, a fuel-injected french-fryer with double overhead grease traps."

 

"Cool." Dave said.

 

"Yeah, cool." John agreed coolly. The two jumped into the patty.

 

"Wait, I thought you didn't have a driver's license?" Dave looked at him.

 

"YOU DON'T NEED A LICENSE TO DRIVE A PATTY!" John yelled stepping on the gas. They burst through the side of the building, despite being several stories underground, with a manic cry of 'KER-PATTY!'

 

"SHELL CITY HERE WE COME!" The bros shouted as they drove off down the road.

 

\---

 

Back inside the Krusty Krab, two black fish casually stroll up to the frozen form of Mr. K.

 

"So this is the guy Slick's been after, huh?" The fish with the diamond emblazoned on his suit jacket drawled.

 

"This soft-shelled crab's been keepin' our old boss outta business? It's pathetic what he's been reduced to." The tallest one said with a shake of his head. The frozen crustacean seemed to get very angry at this. More than he already was at least.

 

"I got it!" A smaller fish with a ridiculous hat called as he closed the door to the crab's office. "The safe was easy to blow open."

 

"Let's get outta here, this place ain't worth our time." The tall one grumbled taking the formula from the smallest.

 

"Aw, I thought this place was pretty nice!" The shortest one giggled.

 

"You say that about evrythin' the tallest one pointed out, a little aggravated.

 

The three left, not noticing the would be glare from the frozen crab.

 

\---

 

"I should of brought my mixtape." Dave complained as they neared a desolate looking gas station. "The radio's got like nothing good on anymore. Also the musics been all fading in and out or whatever since we're so far away from any civilization what-so-ever. How much are you willing to bet that gas station was abandoned years ago? Those gas pumps are older than hearing a song you hate for the third time."

 

"Dave, will you stop, there are literally two guys sitting on the porch behind the gas pumps." John turned to the men on the porch as he stopped the patty. "Fill 'er up, please."

 

"What'llitbe? Mustard orKetchup?" The man in the yellow hat asked mockingly, almost too fast to understand. Both men began laughing, one very quickly, and the other made a sound that might've been laughter, but it was too slow to make out any definite syllables.

 

"Are they laughing at us?" Dave asked hesitantly.

 

"Don't be silly, Dave! They're laughing next to us!" John replied merrily.

 

"No, I was asking if that was laughter, is that guy in the blue hat even okay?" Dave specified, gesticulating at the fish in the blue hat. The two continued laughing as the got up and ran/walked (is that even walking?) to the patty.

 

"Whereareyoutwodumbkidsheadedanyway?" Yellow Hat asked quickly.

 

"Say again?" John asked.

 

"Isaid: Whereareyoutwodumbkidsheadedanyway?" Yellow Hat seemed frustrated.

 

"I'm really not sure what you're saying. Are you asking where we're going?" John said, very confused.

 

"Yes!" Yellow hat seemed exasperated.

 

"We are not kids, we're men and we're currently heading to Shell City to retrieve Her Imperious Condescension's imperial tiara!" John informed Yellow Hat.

 

"ShellCity?" Yellow Hat blurted in question. "Theplaceguardedbyakillercyclops?"

 

"That's the one, if I heard right." John said, a little proud.

 

"Doze, takeoffyourhatinrespect. Respectforthedead!" The hatted fish laughed his weird quick laugh and the blue hatted fish, Doze, was still walking to the edge of the porch. He started a sluggish grab for his hat. "Youtwodipstickaren'tgonnalastasecondoverthecountyline!"

 

"Oh yeah?" Dave asked, a smirk on his face. "We'll see about that."

 

John drove the Patty Wagon over the county line. A thug whom no one had seen approached the car.

 

"Get out of the car." The maroon-stripped hatted thug growled and the sponge and starfish both hopped out of the car. The oversized thug drove away into the sunset.

 

"How many seconds was that?" John asked.

 

"Twelve." Yellow Hat replied just as quickly as he had been answering.

 

"IN YOUR FACE!" John and Dave yelled in unison. They imitated the hatted fish's laughs, or tried to at least. Neither could accurately imitate Doze without it taking all day.

 

"Who's the dipstick now?" Dave said, blasting an airhorn. They turned around and left the gas station, still laughing.

 

"They'redead." Yellow Hat said as he watched the two laugh to what would probably be their deaths.

 

Doze began the slowest nod in recorded history.

 

\---

 

"Aradia Megido here with an incredible news flash!" The reporter began. "Jack Noir is selling Krabby Patties at the Chum Bucket. How is this possible? Let's find out."

 

She and her cameraman entered the building which was much more pleasantly decorated than usual. People were packed together like sardines in a can just to get their patty fix.

 

"Step right up, there's plenty for everybody!" Jack said, brandishing a patty three times his size with incredible skill.

 

"Excuse me, Jack." Aradia greeted, holding out a fin for him to shake. "Aradia Megido, I'm with Bikini Bottom news. Can I have a minute of your time for an interview?"

 

"Anythin' for you, Megido." Jack had a clearly fake smile on his face. Aradia looked uncomfortable.

 

"All of Bikini Bottom wants to know, how did you get the recipe for the Krabby Patty?" Aradia held the microphone up to the plankton, sure that the response would be long and convoluted.

 

"Well you see, Megido. Before Vantas was frozen by Her Condescension, he confided in me a secret wish. "Sell the Krabby Patty at the Chum Bucket! Don't let the flame die out!"" Jack then brightened up somewhat. "By the way, act now and get a free Chum Bucket bucket helmet with every purchase! Here you go, Megido." The fish reporter let the impromptu hat be put on her head.

 

"Thank you." Aradia thanked.

 

"Bucket helmets for everyone!" Jack flipped a switch on a remote control and the ceiling opened up and dropped buckets on everyone.

 

Seemingly satisfied, Jack wormed his way through the crowd to get into the "kitchen."

 

"Snowman, baby, I haven't felt this giddy since you agreed to be my wife." Jack said, walking back to where he had his filing cabinet.

 

"I never agreed." The computer droned bitterly.

 

"Plan Z is workin' perfectly. Nothin' can stop me now." He grabbed the Plan Z file.

 

"Nothing except Egbert and his cool friend." She pulled up a live feed of the two walking through the barren wastelands outside of the county. "My sources indicate that they're going after the tiara. If those two make it back, Her Condescension might notice some fingerprints. Stubby, tiny fingerprints." The plankton looked at his hands.

 

"Plan Z is way ahead of you, baby. I've already hired someone to take care of those two half-wits. He's a vicious, cold-blooded predator!" A dark look settled on the bean's face.

 

\---

 

Meanwhile on an empty stretch of road, a bro in a baseball cap and a pair of pointed shades rode a motorcycle, hot on the trail of two guys who were his employer's rivals. He stopped at a near empty gas station where he found a crucial piece of evidence. He said nothing.

 

"Hey, doesthathathitanyhomeruns?" The yellow hatted fish laughed at his own joke, his blue hatted partner was making his way back to his chair.

 

The bro turned to him, an unreadable expression on his face. The green fish duo laughed their obnoxious laughs, only stopping when the bro was standing over them. He ripped of their lips and rode away into the night.

 

\---

 

"Just gotta keep goin.'" Dave grumbled as they crawled along the cracked road.

 

"Yeah, keep... moving along." John sighed, his legs were tired.

 

"Yeah..."

 

"Gonna get that tiara..."

 

"Victory, yeah..."

 

"Bluh, are we there yet." John complained, pausing to rest.

 

"We've gotta be close by now! John, look!" Dave pointed to a dimly lit billboard on the side of the road. "Shell City's only five days away." A piece of foliage blew away in the wind.

 

"By car..." John read, on the verge of tears. "I wish we still had our car..."

 

"Hey look!" Dave pointed to a building in the distance. With renewed energy, both sea creatures ran towards the building and noticed something that was pretty important. "Our car!"

 

They quickened their pace and looked inside the patty. "The key's gone..." John noted. "Do you think it's in there?"

 

"I'm sure it's in there." Dave replied as a bar patron got drop kicked out of the building and landed next to them. They approached the sunken boat and peered through one of the windows.

 

Inside was utter chaos, people in hats were fighting, drinking, playing billiards, and everything else that is typically done at a bar. The massive fish that had stolen their boat had the key hooked on his belt.

 

"Look, Dave," John pointed to the thug. "The key! Now how are we gonna get it?"

 

"Well, we could go in and fight them for it. I'll take those guys over there." He gestured vaguely in the direction of about six people. "And you take the rest."

 

"Dave, that's a terrible idea." John said as they watched a man get the shit beat out of him. "How about, you steal the key and I'll create a distraction."

 

"Wait, I want to be the distaction." Dave said, not taking his eyes off the very one-sided brawl.

 

"I guess it doesn't matter who creates the distraction, as long as there is one, we should be good." They snuck into the bar, no one noticed them because no one cared.

 

"Ahem, can I have everyone's attention?" Everyone stopped and crowded the starfish, ready for a fight. "I...um...have to use the bathroom?"

 

"It's right over there." A thug in a maroon hat gestured to the wall where there was indeed a bathroom. John, who was about to get the key, was suddenly noticed by the maroon-striped hat thug and had to quickly improvise some reason for crawling around on the floor.

 

"Stupid contacts." John laughed nervously before darting to the bathroom to join his friend.

 

"Dave what the hell kind of distraction was that?" John asked, washing his hands in the sink. "I got my hands dirty for nothing."

 

"I panicked, I'm sorry." Dave apologized, looking at the dirty floor. John pumped the nearly broken soap dispenser and the lid fell off revealing a mass of bubbles.

 

"Dave, holy shit, check this out." He continued pressing the soap dispenser, releasing more bubbles into the bleak bathroom.

 

"Yes. Hell yes. Hell. Fucking. Yes." Dave said watching the frothy chaos take place before him. They then proceeded to dance around the bubbles like a couple of five year olds or a college student after finals.

 

"HEY!" A voice inside the bar shouted. "WHO BLEW THIS BUBBLE?" John and Dave swiftly went about disposing of the evidence. "YOU ALL KNOW THE RULES!"

 

"All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able-bodied patron in the bar." All of the patrons droned in near perfect unison.

 

"That's right! So which one o' you fuckers did it?" The bartender paused a moment. "So... nobody knows."

 

"Maybe it was C-" A thug in a green top hat started to suggest before he had a chair thrown at him.

 

"Shut up! Somebody in here ain't a real man." John and Dave try to take the confusion of the moment to sneak out of the bar. "You! We're on a baby hunt and don't think we don't know how to weed 'em out. Everybody line up! DJ! It's time for the Test." A familiar, silly song began to play on the record player. "No baby can resist singing along to this."

 

"John, it's the Goofy Goober theme song." Dave whispered anxiously to his best bro.

 

"I know." John said back, strained.

 

"Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah! You're a Goofy Goober, yeah! We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah! Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah!" The record sang gleefully.

 

Someone coughed. Maroon Hat Bartender approached him and gave him a look akin to how a cat sizes up its prey. "It's you!" Maroon Hat Bartender accused. "You did it!"

 

"No! I only coughed I swear!" The terrified patron cowered away from the bartender. The bartender stalked away with a sharp glare back at Cough Guy.

 

"DJ, turn it up louder." Maroon Hat Bartender growled, watching the faces of everyone in the line.

 

"Don't sing along Dave." John said, pained from the effort of not singing.

 

"I'm trying so hard not to." Dave whispered back, probably near death.

 

"I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah." Maroon Hat Bartender teased them seeing their clear struggle. "You're a Goofy Goober, yeah. We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah." John and Dave were about to give up when,

 

"Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah!" A small voice sang from the end of the line. Everyone turned to the tiny fish which was wearing a purple hat.

 

"Clover, really?" Maroon Hat Bartender asked as all the patrons gathered around the small fish. John and Dave didn't hear what happened after that because they snuck out, eager to be away from the strange bar.

 

"That was a close call." John breathed as soon as they were outside.

 

"Guess what I got." Dave produced the spatula key from behind his back.

 

"The key!" John squeaked. The two pounced back in the Patty Wagon and continued on their mission.

 

\---

 

Rose rode into town on her bicycle, enjoying the free time she briefly had due to her boss's... condition. She hummed a little tune as she went, she didn't know where she was going, but she was on her way there. Then she saw it.

 

"Hello!" A fish greeted, a bucket on its head like a hat.

 

"Hello?" Rose said back, almost like a question. What was that fish wearing?

 

As she rode along she noticed more and more people wearing these ridiculous impromptu hats. She needed to get to the bottom of this so she followed the masses of people until she reached the Chum Bucket. She had an awful feeling about this.

 

"Hi, Rose!" Jade called from where she'd been standing next to the entrance to the restaurant.

 

"Hello, Jade." Rose replied, parking her bike. "What is going on here?"

 

"Noir's started selling Krabby Patties." Jade said, a grim look on her face. "He started the day after Dave and John left, I don't know how he got the secret recipe!"

 

"Maybe with the Krusty Krab defenseless, he broke in and stole it? He's been trying to for years, but it's never worked." Rose muttered, staring across the street at the empty restaurant. "We can't let Noir get away with this. I'm going in."

 

"Rose, be careful!" Jade called after her friend. "I don't want to lose anyone else..."

 

Rose calmly strode into the building ready to break Noir. "Noir, a little birdie told me you were selling Krabby Patties."

 

"You heard right, Lalonde, a free helmet with every purchase too. Would you care for one?" Jack asked fake sweetness filled his voice.

 

"I'm good, thank you. You may have fooled everyone in this backwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio." A smirk graced her lips. This was too easy.

 

"Get to the point, Lalonde, I have patties to sell." Jack glanced at the assembly line of Krabby Patties.

 

"It means, you set up Mr. K. You stole the tiara so The Condesce would freeze him and you could get your grubby little stumps on the formula. It was you all along! But, you made one fatal mistake, you messed with my paycheck, and I'm going to report you the highest authority in the land: Her Imperious Condescension." Rose finished, feeling like that could have gone a lot better. She almost felt like an attorney using all this evidence like this.

 

"We'll see about that, Inspector Looselips." Jack pressed a button on a small remote.

 

"Now activating helmet brain control." The robotic voice of Snowman droned. Helmets began to slam down over the faces of the hungry restaurant patron and surely must have been quite painful.

 

"What?" Rose asked, shocked into losing her usual composure. "What's going on here?"

 

"All hail Noir." The slaves droned turning toward the frightened octopus. "All hail Noir."

 

"Seize her, slaves." Jack shouted, motioning at the mindless fish to her.

 

"I'm getting out of here." Rose bolted for the door, but was stopped when more slaves poured in, she was cornered. She shrieked in abject horror and cowered.

 

"Who can stop me now?" The plankton cackled as the fish swarmed around him.

 

\---

 

"C'mon, Dave, one more time!" John said, eyes focused on the road for the moment.

 

"Okay, okay fine, last time tho. Ahem, WE'RE ON A BABY HUNT AND DON'T THINK WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO WEEEED 'EM OUT!" Dave imitated, bursting into a fit of laughter when he finished.

 

"Weed them out, ha, what a jerk!" John said with a shake of his head. Sponge nor starfish noticed the fact that they were driving over the skeletons on their dead brethren. "The road's getting kinda bumpy here."

 

"Y'know, John, there's a lesson to be learned from all of this." The starfish said, looking at his bro.

 

"And what would that be, Dave?" John looked at his bro.

 

"A bubble-blowing baby doesn't belong out here, in man's country." Dave stared at the deathly road ahead of them.

 

"Haha, yeah! Wait, we blew that bubble. Doesn't that make us a bubble-blowing baby?" John wondered aloud, still not looking at the road.

 

"Dude look, free motherfuckin' ice cream." Dave pointed to a little striped tent off the side of the road.

 

"Oh boy!" John exclaimed, pulling the mobile burger over. The sponge hopped out of the vehicle and made a beeline for the stand.

 

"How ya doin'?" Dave leaned over the side of the car to try to talk to a skull. "Wait a second... JOHN!"

 

"What?" John turned around at the call of his name.

 

"Make mine a chocolate!"

 

"Sure thing, man!" John turned to the pleasant looking old lady. "Two please!"

 

"Certainly." The old woman obliged oldly. "You kids enjoy."

 

"Actually, we're men, thank you very much." John said, grabbing the ice cream bowl. It had an almost gelatin-like texture to the touch. "Hey Dave, let's- You can let go of the ice cream now." John tried to pull away from the old lady, but her grip held fast. "I said, you can let go! Please? What kind of old lady are you?"

 

The sides of the tent fell to the ground as jagged teeth erupted from the sand. The "old lady's" wig and glasses fell off to reveal a strange purple mound of flesh. A stalked eye poked out of the sand and the full creature rose to its feet. John bit off the arm of the false old lady and landed in the Patty Wagon where his bro waited.

 

"Did you get the ice cream?" Dave asked casually.

 

"Fucking drive!" John yelled. Somehow Dave knew how to drive despite the fact he had no type of driver's training. The two sped away from the lumbering frog fish towards the steep edge of a ravine.

 

\---

 

Far behind on the road, but not too far...

 

A totally chill bro pulls up to a roughed up bar, another piece of evidence to be found. He's been following their trail for a good couple days now and he knew he was finally closing in. A small puddle of bubble syrup is contained in a footprint, yeah those two jokers were definitely here earlier. He dipped his fingers in the syrup and blew a single bubble. Ironically, of course.

 

"HEY!" It was Maroon Hat Bartender and his whole gang of thugs, but this bro didn't know that. Or care for that matter. "You may not know it, bro, but we got a rule around here about blowin' bubbles." MHB snapped his finger that he apparently had despite being a fish.

 

"All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every... able-bodied... patron..." The gang trailed off after the bro punched their leader in the face so hard he sunk the tug boat even more. He drove off once more as the thugs watched in horror.

 

\---

 

"Come on, kiddies, have some ice cream!" The old smiled calmly as the beast chased them closer to the abyss. "I'll let you pet Mr. Whiskers!" A disgusting rendition of what might have been a cat came out attached to the frightening beast.

 

"We're gonna have to jump for it!" John yelled as they were almost on the edge of the ravine. They both jumped at the last second and watched as their beloved burger car was swallowed whole by the frog fish that had jumped after it. A frightening black serpent shot out of the ravine and ate the frog fish whole before disappearing once more into the trench's mysterious depths.

 

"Well, we lost our car again..." John sighed, staring down into the abyss.

 

"Never mind the sandwich, where's the road?" The word seemed to echo before John realized Dave was just repeating the word like a broken record. "Uh, sorry."

 

"Wait," John said, squinting. "There's the road! On the other side of this dark... dangerous..."

 

"Hazardous..." Dave added.

 

"Hazardous." John agreed.

 

"Monster-infested."

 

"M-Monster-infested... trench." John finished, looking very discouraged.

 

"Hey, John, look a staircase down to the bottom!" Dave tried to lift his friend's spirits, but to no avail. He tested the staircase with a delicate step. The stair growled at him. He repeated this process several times. "Yo, John, do you think I could use this in one of my..." He trailed off as he noticed his friend walking away. "Dude where are you going? We've got a tiara to get."

 

"I'm going home, Dave." John didn't even bother to turn around.

 

"But what about Mr. K?" Dave chased after him, but not in a gay way.

 

"What about us? We'll never survive in that trench! You said it yourself, Dave, this is man's country. And let's face it man. We're just kids..." The blue sponge kept his eyes trained on the ground as he trudged along.

 

"We're not kids!" Dave said defensively. "C'mon man, we can do-"

 

"Open your eyes, Dave! We blow bubbles, we eat ice cream, we worship a dancing peanut for corn's sake!" John was crying now. "We don't belong out here..."

 

"We do not worship him." Dave said flatly. John stopped and pulled down his friend's pants. "Woah, but a dude dinner first."

 

"Ugh, no homo." John stopped.

 

"It's cool, bro. Get to the point." Dave gestured for his totally not gay best bro to keep going, still a little flustered.

 

"Where was I? Oh yeah. You've been wearing the same Goofy Goober Peanut Party underwear for the past three years! What do you call that?" John began to sob again.

 

"Worship!" Dave began to cry as well. "You're right John! We're kids!" He attempted a run, but tripped over his own pants.

 

"Put your pants back on, dude." John sniveled. "We're going home."

 

"But you can't go home!" A sweet voice called from down the road. Dave struggled to get his pants back on. Feferi rode towards them in a carriage driven by seahorses.

 

"Feferi!" John and Dave greeted the gentle sea princess as she got out of the carriage.

 

"How much did you hear?" John asked, still a bit teary-eyed.

 

"Enough." Feferi admitted, a pitying look on her face.

 

"Did you see my underwear?" Dave asked.

 

"No." Feferi replied a little confused.

 

"Did you want to?" Dave asked again, ready to pull down his pants again.

 

"Listen, I know you two may be kids, but you're our only hope! No one else can retrieve the tiara anymore!"

 

"What do you mean we're the only ones left?" A concerned look crossed John's spongy face.

 

"Things have gotten even worse since you two left Bikini Bottom!" Feferi pulled out a clam shell that acted as something like a crystal ball.  "Or should I say... Jacktopolis."

 

"Holy shit!" John exclaimed as he watched in rapt horror at his friends being forced into slave labor against their will. "Rose, Jade, Kanaya, even Casey!"

 

"Meow Noir." The snail said when the shell focused on them.

 

"Can't your mother do something about this?" John looked at the tyrian mermaid.

 

"She hardly cares about anything unless it directly involves her or she can get some sick sort of fascination out of watching it!" Feferi slammed the clam shut in frustration. "You can't quit now! The fate of Bikini Bottom and maybe the entire civilized ocean rests in your hands!"

 

"But we're just-" The sponge boy was cut off.

 

"It doesn't matter if you're a kid! What's so wrong with being a kid anyway? Kids rule! You don't need to be a man to do this! You've just got to believe in yourself. You just gotta believe!" Feferi spun around once, hair fwooshing around dramatically.

 

"I believe..." John sounded like he was on the verge of tears again.

 

"That's the spirit!" Feferi said, refusing to acknowledge the sadness in his tone.

 

"I believe... That everyone we know is a goner!" John began crying again, dragging his friend down with him.

 

"Oh come on, don't cry! You guys can do it!" Feferi frowned at what the duo was doing. She pushed down a grimace. "Guys?"

 

Now, not to far behind them... A bro rides through a road of bones on his sick-wicked wheels.

 

"Guys?" Feferi asked again, the scene quickly changing back to what it was. The two continued crying uncontrollably so the mermaid hatched a plan. "Yup, I guess you're right. A couple of kids would never survive this journey. That's why I guess I'll have to turn you into men."

 

"Y-You can do that?" John stopped crying and sat up from where he'd been lying on the cold, hard ground.

 

"With my Mermaid Magic." Feferi did jazz hands.

 

"Mermaid Magic?" One of the seahorses nickered in disbelief. The princess shooshed him.

 

"Did you hear that Dave?" John stood up with a bounce. "Feferi said she'll use her mermaid magic and turn us into men!"

 

"Sounds fishy to me..." Dave stood up and faced his bromate. "Eh, why not? What've we got to lose?"

 

"We're gonna be men!" John cheered, pumping a fist in the air. Feferi held back a chuckle.

 

"Good. Now, let's get started. Close your eyes." Feferi instructed. They obeyed.

 

"Are we men yet?" John asked.

 

"No, not yet. Spin around three times." Feferi spotted a patch of seaweed as the two turned and got ready to put the final step of her plan into motion.

 

"I think it's working." John whispered to his bro.

 

"Good! Now keep your eyes shut." Feferi ripped the pieces of seaweed in two and plastered them to the duo's faces. "With my Mermaid Magic and my one tail fin, I command the two of you to turn into men! You can open your eyes now."

 

"I don't feel any-" John looked at Dave and noticed his "mustache." "Holy shit, Dave! You have a mustache!"

 

"So do you!" Dave said with barely masked excitement.

 

"So now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City?" The two were still petting the "mustaches." "Guys."

 

"Yeah?" The two stopped and looked at the princess.

 

"I said, now that your men, can you make it to Shell City?" Feferi prompted again.

 

"Hell yeah!" The buds replied in unison.

 

"Are men afraid of anything?"

 

"Heck no!" The heterosexual dudes bumped fists.

 

"And why?"

 

"Because we're invincible!" The two ran and jumped off the cliff into the murky abyss below.

 

"I never said that!" Feferi shouted after them.

 

About half way down John finally asks: "Dave?"

 

"Yeah bro?" Dave reclined back as they fell.

 

"Why did we jump over the edge instead of taking the stairs?"

 

"Becau- Well..." Dave paused. Why did they jump over the cliff instead of taking the stairs?

 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" They screamed as they plummeted. Luckily for them, there was a branch that miraculously broke their fall. Dave continued screaming.

 

"Dave." John said, daring to open one eye.

 

"Are we dead?" Dave opened his eyes and distanced himself from where he was clinging to his friend like a good bro would.

 

"No, far from it from what I can tell!" John stood up and brushed the dirt off his shorts. "We're safe and sound at the bottom of this trench! The mustaches mustache've, no that was terrible. Must have worked! You know what that means, my pal?"

 

"We're invincible!" Dave stood up.

 

"Now that we're men, we can do anything!" The two began to sing, background music coming from nowhere. Monsters swarmed around them, trying to eat them. "Now that we're men we are invincible! Now that we're men, we'll go to Shell City! We'll get the crown, save the town, and Mr. K! Now that we're men,"

 

"We have facial hair!" John sang petting his "mustache."

 

"Now that we're men,"

 

"I change my underwear!" A sea urchin ripped off Dave's pants.

 

"Now that we're men, we have a manly flair! We've got the stuff, we're tough enough to save the day!" The two walked over a field of erupting volcanoes and played hopscotch over a river of lava. "We never had a chance when we were kids! No! No! No! But, take a look at what the mermaid did! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

 

They paraded down what they thought to be a road, but was actually an angler fish that looked like a road. It opened its mouth to eat the two when it noticed what they were doing. The sponge was beatboxing and the starfish was dropping phat rhymes like they were hot. The angler fish motioned for its friends to look at this amazing spectacle and they did. The starfish mimed a mic drop and the monsters cheered.

 

"Now that they're men, we can't bother them! Now that they're men, they have become our friends!" The monsters sang with vigor. "Now that they're men, there'll be a happy end! They'll pass the test and finish the quest for the crown! They'll pass the test!" The monsters slapped their bodies in time with the music. "They'll finish the quest!" They slapped once more. "They'll pass the test and finish the quest for the crown! Hooray!" The bros emerged unscathed from the trench, unless you count Dave's lack of pants a form of bodily harm.

 

"Shell City, dead ahead!" John pointed to an old wooden sign with those exact words written on it. "We did it, Dave! We made it past everything, even the hideous, disgusting monsters!" The monsters retreated back into the trench, offended. "Wait, not you guys! You were really cool! Aw, shucks. Their loss, Dave! I think we can make it there in one more verse!"

 

"Now that we're-" They began to sing again before being blocked by a bro in pointed shades and a baseball cap.

 

"Finally, I've got you right where I want you." The bro muttered, glaring at the peppy bros.

 

"Can I help you with something, sir?" John asked casually, his best bro seemed to be scared.

 

"Name's Dirk, but you can call me Bro." Bro said flatly. "I've been hired to exterminate you."

 

"You're going to exterminate us?" John scoffed and laughed. John was a little worried when Dave didn't laugh. He brushed off as him just trying to show off or something, that had to be it. "Listen, Junior, you caught me and my friend here in a good mood today, so I'll let you off with a warning this time. Step aside and you won't have to feel the awesome wrath of our mustaches."

 

"You mean these?" Bro ripped the fake mustaches off their faces and threw them on the ground. John seemed devastated while Dave just kind of... stood there passively. "I thought you still had a piece of salad left on your lip from lunch."

 

"They were fake?" John whimpered.

 

"Of course they were fake. This is what a real mustache looks like." Bro then grew a mustache out of sheer willpower.

 

"Is he a mermaid?" John whispered to his unresponsive friend. Dave said nothing.

 

"Alright, enough gab." Bro drew a katana that had been strapped to his back that no one felt the need to point out until this very moment.

 

"What are you gonna do to us?" John backed up slowly, ready to run at any time.

 

"Jack Noir was very specific." Bro smirked.

 

"Jack Noir?" John was very surprised by the reveal.

 

"For some reason he wanted me to step on you." Bro sheathed his katana.

 

"Step on us?" John grabbed his bro's hand.

 

"That way you'll never find out he stole the tiara!" John gave his bro a worried look. "Perhaps I've said too much." Bro lifted his boots to reveal a bottom similar to a cleat, except much sharper.

 

"Run!" John yelled, spurring his bro into actin, but Bro was too fast and they were quickly cornered.

 

Bro said nothing, only gave an anime villain like laugh as he raised his foot above the cowering bros. Suddenly, a much larger boot fell from the heavens and crushed the offending bounty hunter.

 

"Bigger boot!" John yelled trying to run away, only to have Dave grab the back of his shirt to stop him.

 

"Yo, this boot just saved our lives, man" Dave turned to his friend. "Pay it a little respect.

 

"Okay, jeez, Dave! Forgive me for not wanting to get crushed by a boot!" John said as he looked up at the form above the boot. "Thank you!" He called upwards.

 

"Wait a second." Dave squinted upwards, trying to get a better look at their savior. It bent down and looked at them.

 

"THE CYCLOPS!" John screamed and both sea creatures tried to scramble away. The giant, gloved hand reached down and grabbed them as they tried to escape. "HELP!"

 

\---

 

When John and Dave finally came to, they were on a bed of what might have been rocks. They both woke with a start.

 

"Are we... dead?" Dave asked, sitting up.

 

"I don't think so." John ran a hand over the bumpy ground and stood up in surprise. "Artificially colored rocks? I don't know where we are." He walked forward and then ran into something.

 

"Is this some kind of wall of psychic energy?" Dave asked, rapping on the wall with a fist.

 

"No, Dave, I think we're in a giant glass bowl!" John pointed out. He squinted through the thick glass to try to get a better feel of their surroundings. He saw someone. "Hey! There's some fish folk!"

 

"Hey! Over here! You guys? Help! We're stuck in this..." Dave trailed off as his friend kept yelling and waving his arms.

 

"Wait a second." Dave took off his shades so he could see better. There were fish out there, but they'd all been converted into cheap knick-knacks. Was that a Mariachi Band he saw? "Those fish out there are... dead."

 

"What's he gonna do to us?" John asked, flattening himself against the wall. The cyclops reappeared carrying a green toolbox in one hand and a human was trailing him. "Oh no, he's going for his evil instruments of torture! Glue? Google eyes? He's making a humorous diorama of... Alexander Clam Bell!?" The sponge shouted upon seeing the finished abomination.

 

"He's killing innocent sea creatures and selling them as smelly knick-knacks! And I think we're next!" Dave dropped to his knees, all hope lost. "Wait one of them's talking."

 

"-born will you stop wearing that silly scuba outfit inside! You're no doubt scaring the poor creatures. I don't see why you decided to do this with your life, you could have stuck with-" The human said, trying to reason with the beast. The cyclops responded with a series of angry sounding grumbles that neither sea creature could interpret.

 

"Ugh, fine! Have it your way." The human left the room, sparing a single glance toward the fish bowl.

 

As the two were caught up in watching the human leave, they didn't notice the cyclops sneak up on them. One gloved hand picked up Dave.

 

"Save yourself!" Dave yelled as he was pulled from the fish bowl. John ran for the other side of the bowl, but was snatched up too. The beast carried them over to a desk with a desk lamp shining onto it. They were thrown down carelessly.

 

"The heat from this lamp is so intense... I can't move." John struggled.

 

"Tell me about it..." Dave turned his head to look at his bro. The cyclops cackled and left the room carrying a book.

 

"This isn't looking good for us, Dave." The sponge managed to get out, voice sounding incredibly old.

 

"You mean we're not gonna get the crown, save the town, and Mr. K?" Dave tried to sing, his voice gave out.

 

"I don't think we're gonna be able to save ourselves, my buddy." John's right arm snapped off and Dave managed to move enough to get the sponge's arm reattached. "Thanks."

 

"I guess everything that everybody said to us was true..." John sighed.

 

"You mean that we're *cough* hella attractive?" Dave asked, delirious.

 

"No, that we're just a couple of kids in way over our heads. We were doomed from the start! We failed everyone and no we're gonna die. Why did we ever think we could actually make it to Shell City?" John squinted at his best friend.

 

"Shell City..." Dave echoed, looking off into the distance.

 

"Yeah, man.The place we never got to." John would have been crying if it weren't so dry.

 

"Shell City." Dave repeated.

 

"Buddy, I know. We never got to Shell City." John looked away.

 

"Shell City." Dave said once more.

 

"Can you stop saying that, it's kinda bumming me out." John turned to look at his friend again.

 

"No look at the sign." Dave pointed at a sign next to the door.

 

"Shell City." John whispered in amazement. "Shell City's a gift shop? Why were there so many signs leading to it in the sea?"

 

"If this is Shell City then where's the-" Dave said, glancing around the shop.

 

"Tiara!" They both exclaimed.

 

"We did it, Dave. We made it to Shell City and there's the tiara, just out of reach." John tried to move, but was too dry. He wouldn't be able to make it.

 

"So close and yet so far..." Dave mused.

 

"We did pretty good for a couple of goofballs." Both of them cried a single, manly tear. "I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah."

 

"You're a Goofy Goober, yeah." Dave joined into the pitiful attempt at singing. "We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah... Goofy, goofy, g-"

 

Both of them died of dehydration, their tears forming a heart below them.

 

The End.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or is it?

 

The teardrops combined to form one large teardrop which fell along the lamp's cord and into the electrical outlet. A puff of smoke was produced by the combined electricity, metal, and water. The background music produced a sudden timpani roll followed by a swell of brass as the smoke hit the smoke detector and turned on the sprinklers. As the water fell, it rehydrated our heroes and brought them back to life! They gasped for H2O.

 

"We're alive!" John exclaimed, checking himself over. "C'mon, Dave, let's get that tiara!"

 

"Right." Dave agreed and they hopped off of the desk and ran to the stand the tiara was on.

 

"On the count of three, Dave. Ready? One, two, t- Hey it's lighter than I thought!" John and Dave began to panic, they couldn't let go of the tiara, they'd come to far. As luck would have it, all the sea creatures that were made into knick-knacks, sprang to life, revived somehow by the water. The cyclops dropped them.

 

"Dude, look!" John gestured to the open door. They ran for it. "Let's take this tiara back to Bikini Bottom and save the day!"

 

The events that took place back inside the building are too graphic to be displayed here. Violence is not the answer.

 

"Do you still have that bag of winds?" John asked when they reached the waterfront.

 

"Yep." Dave produced the bag from somewhere.

 

"Where were you even keeping that?" John pulled out the sheet of instructions Feferi had given them along with the bag.

 

"I don't think you want to know that, my dude. Let's just get back home." Dave replied, staring across the waves.

 

"Um... okaaaay." John began to read. "Step One: Point bag away from home." Dave did so. "Step Two: Place both feet firmly on the ground." Dave did so. "Step Three: Remove string, unleashing the winds." Dave did so. "Okay, that seems simple enough, let's try it for real!"

 

"Um, John?" Dave pointed to the wind bag as it fell into the sea. "I'm so sorry man, I totally spaced an-"

 

"Dave, how are we supposed to get home now?" John said, falling to his knees.

 

"I can take you there." A sensual voice called. The bros spotted a human running up to them.

 

"Who are you?" Dave asked, a little flustered. Not because he's gay or anything, he can just appreciate the occasional dude every once in a while. He swears he's not gay.

 

"I'm David Hasselhoff." The man declared, posing dramatically.

 

"Hooray!" John and Dave high-fived.

 

"So where's your boat?" John looked around for the aquatic vehicle.

 

"Boat?" Hasselhoff laughed.

 

A few minutes later the two best chums were riding on the back of David Hasselhoff as he charged through the water like a motorboat.

 

"Next stop," Dave said. "Bikini Bottom."

 

\---

 

"Well, Vantas," Jack said as he stepped into the Krusty Krab 2. "You know what today is? April 13th? That's not right. It should say "The Day Vantas, Fries! Guess who just showed up?"

 

\---

 

"Hooray for Hasselhoff! Nothing can stop us now!" John pumped his fist in the air.

 

"Unidentified object off the hindquarters." Dave said as he watched the back.

 

"It looks like..." John took a step forward. "Bigger boot? But how?"

 

The boot stopped on Hasselhoff's foot and turned forty-five degrees. Off of it emerged Bro, his orange eyes blazed with fury visibly since his shades had been shattered. His clothes were torn like and extra on the set of a cheap zombie apocalypse movie.

 

"Did ya miss me?" Bro growled.

 

\---

 

Jack stood by watching as Her Imperious Condescension entered the room, her bubbly daughter in tow. He chuckled to himself.

 

"Karkat Vantas, your five and a half day reprieve is up and now you must die for your crimes against me. The frozen crab made a sound that sounded like "Please, I didn't do it," but no one seemed to care. "I'm afraid there's nothing that can be done now."

 

"You could give John and Dave a little more time." Feferi casually suggested.

 

"Except give John and Dave a little more time... What?" The Condesce turned to her daughter. "Feferi will you stop? I will not have you stalling this execution out because you want to give your little champions more time."

 

"You think I'm stalling you? Why would I ever do that mother?" Feferi smiled sweetly, hoping her charade would hold up long enough.

 

"You're stalling." The Condesce said flatly, rolling her eyes. She took the bait.

 

"I'm not stalling." Feferi insisted with a nervous grin.

 

"You're stalling."

 

"I'm not."

 

"You're stalling."

 

"What even is stalling?"

 

"What you're doing right now!"

 

Jack hit his head against the wall. This was gonna be a long execution.

 

\---

 

"Now, where were we?" If he weren't such an emotionless asshole, he'd probably be doing some kind of shark-toothed grin.

 

"Dave, run!" John gave his friend a little push.

 

"No, I'm tired of running." Dave squared up in front of the aggressive fish. "Let's go, asshole."

 

 Bro scoffed, rushed forward and threw Dave backwards.

 

"Run, John!" Dave yelled as held onto the heel of Hasselhoff's left foot.

 

"Give it up punk, bro always gets his man." Bro advanced towards the sponge, but the sponge miraculously evaded his grasp and ran away.

 

John reached the right foot and turned around, realizing he'd just cornered himself.

 

"Don't kid yourself, punk. Submit." Bro was toying with him now.

 

"NEVER!" John screeched as he jumped to the other leg. "I did it!" He said upon contact.

 

"You got guts, kid. Too bad I gotta rip them outta you." Bro drew his katana and pointed it at the sponge.

 

"I-I don't know what Jack's paying you, but I can make it worth your while." John held out a wad of paper money to the fish.

 

"What the fuck is this?" Bro asked, stealing the money from the sponge's shaking grasp. As the fish stared at it, the sponge slipped around to the other side of him.

 

"That would be five Goober Dollars, legal tender at any participating Goofy Go-" John's words were cut off by a sword being shoved against what was probably his throat. "I've got bubbles." John produced a bottle of bubble syrup from his shorts. "Fun at parties."

 

The bubbles flew directly into Bro's eyes. "My eyes!" He shrieked and he threw the sponge. Luckily, Dave caught him.

 

"Thanks, man." John said as a shadow fell over them. "Oh for fuck's sake!"

 

"That's it! I'm through with messing around. See you later fools." Bro was ready to cut off their heads when Hasselhoff swam under a sailboat and threw the fish back into the ocean.

 

"Fuck off!" Dave yelled back.

 

\---

"So... You think... I'm... stalling?" Feferi dragged out the phrase as much as she could, refusing to meet her livid mother's gaze.

"That's enough! You are to wait in the carriage until the execution is over. Do I make myshelf clear?" The Condesce pointed at the door angrily with her trident.

"But, mothe-"

"Now!" The Condesce shouted and then welded the doors shut as soon as her daughter had exited the premises.

"Oh, no, no , no, no, no! John, wherever you are, you'd better hurry.

\---

"Okay, fellas, this is where you get off." David Hasselhoff said, standing up despite being in the middle of the ocean. "Bikini Bottom's directly below us."

"But we'll never be able to float down in time!" John said, staring down into the water.

"Who said anything about floating." Suddenly, Hasselhoff's pecs separated from each other creating a perfect sea creature launcher.

"Initiating launch sequence." A delightful robotic voice informed. Hasselhoff put the two between his pecs and initiated launch.

"Did you see that?" John elbowed his bro.

"The control..." Dave said, holding onto the tiara.

"All hands on deck." Hasselhoff said as he squeezed his pecs back together.

"Ten seconds to lift off! Nine, eight..."

\---

"Karkat Vantas, the time has come," The Condesce announced, setting her trident ablaze once more.

"No!" Feferi yelled, banging on the glass.

"Yes." Jack said.

\---

"...six...five..." The voice continued the countdown.

\---

"For you..." The Condesce continued, relishing the look of distress in the doomed crab's eyes.

"NO!" Feferi pounded on the glass even harder.

"Yes!" Jack took off his hat.

\---

"...three...two..." The voice counted.

\---

"...to fry." The Condesce held on a second longer.

"NOOO!" Feferi cried, her pounds against the glass weakening.

"YES!" Jack said, finally showing an emotion besides anger for once in his pitiful life.

\---

"...one! Have a safe trip!" The duo were launched back into the ocean, just as the Condesce fired her beam of fire at the crab. They intercepted the beam and it was redirected, shooting directly upwards towards the sky.

"You done good, Hasselhoff, you don-" David Hasselhoff was then hit by the beam of fire. "Ow..."

"Hooray! We made it!" John gave Dave a high-five.

"We actually made it!" Dave returned the high-five at full force, as a good bro should do.

"You actually got it..." The Condesce was dumbfounded as she stared at her returned tiara. "What the shell?"

"John? Dave? Aw, I just knew you could do it!" Feferi swept them up into a hug, never mind how she got in.

"Oh yes, well done Egbert." Jack said sarcastically, putting his hat back on.

"Sorry to rain on your parade, Jack." John replied back, using more sarcasm in that one sentence then he had used before in his entire life put together.

"Oh, I wouldn't be worried about me." Jack produced yet another remote control from his jacket. "I believe I'll be quite dry under my UMBRELLA!"

Jack smashed the button and a hatch on the ceiling opened up and dropped a very large bucket on the empress's head. It somehow managed not to get caught on her horns. She struggled to get the foul piece of headwear off.

"Mommy, no!" Feferi exclaimed in fear.

"Mommy, yes!" Jack said, pushing another button on the remote.

"All hail Noir." The Condesce said blankly.

Slaves burst through the windows, surrounding out heroes and villain. It looked like all hope was lost.

"John, what the hell happened." Dave glanced around at the advancing crowd of chanting slaves.

"Jack cheated." John said plainly, staring down the bean-like creature.

"No. Not because I "cheated," I won because I'm an evil genius." Jack laughed. "And you're just a kid, a stupid, naive kid."

"I guess you're right, Jack, I am just a kid." John agreed, nodding a little.

"Of course I'm right! Now, Condy-" Jack was suddenly cut off.

"You know, I've been through a lot in these past six days-" John was then also cut off.

"It's been more like five and a half." Dave interjected.

" _Five and a half_ _days._ If I've learned anything during that time, it's you are who you are." John said confidently.

"Yeah, yeah, cut the moral crap, kid. Condy-" Jack rolled hit eyes when he was cut off yet again by the sponge.

"And no amount of mermaid magic," Feferi drooped when he said that, embarrassed. "Or managerial promotion, or some other third thing can make me more than what I really am, a kid!"

"That's great kid, now get your ass back against the wall." Jack sneered.

"But that's okay!" John exclaimed, grabbing the microphone from the service boat. The lights dimmed and fog blew across the floor.

"What? What's going on?" Jack took a step back.

"Because I did what everyone said a kid couldn't do!" John continued, gesticulating wildly. "I made it to Shell City and back, I beat the cyclops, and I rode the Hasselhoff, and I brought the tiara back!"

"Where are you goin' with this, kid?" Jack was perplexed at the sponge's behavior.

"So yeah, I'm a kid." A spotlight fell on John. "And I'm also a goofball and a wingnut and a Knucklehead McSpazatron."

"What's goin' on here." Jack was almost frightened.

"But most of all, I'm..." John got a wistful look on his face.

"Okay, settled down there, kid." Jack wasn't sure what to think at this point.

"I'm... I'm..." John looked up.

"What the fuck?" Jack lost his cool.

"I'M A GOOFY GOOBER! ROCK!" John burst into song. Jack was thrown backwards by the shockwave of pure rock and roll. "YOU'RE A GOOFY GOOBER! ROCK! WE'RE ALL GOOFY GOOBERS! ROCK! GOOFY, GOOFY, GOOBER, GOOBER!"

The scene cut to John breaking toys out of jail. "Put your toys away. Well, all I gotta say when you tell me not to play. I say no way! No, no freakin' way." Now it cuts to the side of the road, Dave has sexy legs now. "I'm a kid, you say, when you say I'm a kid I say, say it again then I say thanks! Thank you very much!" John now does the worm in front of a background of ice cream. "So if you're thinkin' that you'd like to be like me, go ahead an try, the kid in side will set you free! *scat solo that can't be replicated through mere typing alone* I'M A GOOFY GOOBER! ROCK!"

"What's happenin'?" Jack wondered aloud, recovering from being smashed through a wall at top speed. "His dance moves are impressive, but I'm the one in control! Slaves, seize him!"

"All hail Noir." The citizens crowded the righteous sponge as he sang. John then burst from the crowd, playing a guitar in the shape of a peanut dressed in a sexy wizard outfit. He charged energy in the head stock and shot off the helmet of a random civilian. 

"I'm free!" Jake cried. "I've finally been freed!"

"What?" Jack asked, outraged as the sponge wrecked the helmets. "This little punk's destroying all my expensive helmets! Will you fucking stop?"

"Huh?" Rose asked, regaining her eloquence a moment afterward.

"Oh!" Kanaya exclaimed.

"Woo-hoo!" Jade cheered.

"Meow." Casey meowed.

"It's no use! His chops are too righteous, the helmets weren't built to handle this level of rock and roll!" Jack cried, falling to his knees. "Snowman, do somethin'" It was too late, the computer was crowd surfing, happy for the first time in her artificial life. "Alright, playtime's over. Condy, I command you to-" Her helmet was shattered like Jack's ego.

"Here you go, mother." Feferi handed the tiara back to its owner and she begrudgingly accepted it.

"I better get outta here." Jack muttered, running to the broken front doors.

"Look!" An olive colored fish called. "It's the wizpurred that saved us!" An ecstatic crowd plowed down the remains of the door and the fragile body of Jack Noir.

"Ow..." Jack said miserably. A few cops showed up, notably the red-spectacled one from the opening scene.

"He's over here, guys!" The teal, bespectacled cop called to her partners with a cackle. "I can smell a bastard like him from a mile away."

"C'mon, guys. I was just kidding, y'know." Jack desperately tried to defend himself. "What's a little enslavement among friends? Ow, ow!" He was shoved into a tiny cop car and driven to the Institute for the Criminally Tiny.

"This proves nofin', Feferi. But, I guess compassion ain't as bad as I originally thought. Don't quote me on that, though." The Condesce said, putting her tiara back on her forehead. "Now come, my child, it's time for us to return home."

"Mother, aren't you forgetting something." Feferi gestured to the still frozen crab.

"What? Oh, yeah. Krabcatch! Guess I forgot to unfreeze you." She pointed her trident at the icy crustacean and fired a beam of light at him.

"What the fuck?" Karkat looked down and his body was that of human's instead of a crab's.

"Oh, guess I had it set to 'Real Boy Ending.'" She turned a dial on her trident and fired at him again, returning him to his usual, crabby state.

"Thank you." Karkat said, rolling his eyes.

"Guess I should say I'm sorry for freezin' you, Shouty. So... sorry? Where's that brave kid you call an employee, I guess I should thank him next." The Condesce looked extremely uncomfortable.

"I'm up here." John waved as he hung from the ceiling.

"I'm on it." Dave said. Still sporting his sexy legs from the previous musical number, he lowered the rope his best bro was attached to. "Love ya, man!"

"No homo?" John asked, even though he shouldn't need to because they were the best heterosexual bros a guy could ask for.

"Sure..." Dave replied nervously, looking away.

"I should probably say somefin' like 'Run to him, Vantas. Embrace him.' Or somefin' equally tacky, but I ain't about that." The Condesce glanced down at the non-frozen crab.

"Umm...kay..." Karkat moved to his valued employee. "Egbert, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. Looks like you came through in the end after all. I won't doubt you again, or at least I'll try not to."He embraced his employee.

"Oh, Mr. K, you ol' soft serve." John returned the hug enthusiastically.

"Dave, would you care to explain why you're missing your pants?" Rose asked quietly, sneaking up behind the starfish.

"I forgot to bring an extra pair..." Dave muttered back, highly embarrassed. "Don't turn this into one of your psycho-therapy sessions, Lalonde."

"I wouldn't dream of it, Dave." Rose replied, smugly. "Oh, I guess I should probably join this discussion, I will probably have been dragged into it anyway."

"And now, Egbert, I'm going to do something I should have done six-"

"Five and a half." Dave corrected.

"Fuck off, Strider. Days ago." Karkat continued, shooting a glare at the starfish. "Lalonde, front and, oh you're already here, that simplifies things. I think we-"

"All know who deserves this manager pin." Rose cut him off. "And I must say, I couldn't agree more, sir."

"What is with you people and cutting me off?" Karkat grumbled, as the people around him cheered for his employee.

"Wait a second everybody!" John silenced the crowd. "There's something I need to say first, I just don't know if I can say this just right.

"I think I may have a guess as to what that may be." Rose started, smartly. "After going on your treacherous, life-changing journey, you now realize that what you really wanted, was inside you all along."

"No, you silly!" John had a goofy grin on his face. "I was just going to tell you your fly was down! I'm the manager! This is the greatest day of my life!" John jumped up and freeze framed.

Ocean man, take me by the hand  
Lead me to the land that you understand  
Ocean man, the voyage to the corner of the globe  
Is a real trip  
Ocean man, the crust of a tan man imbibed by the sand  
Soaking up the thirst of the land

Ocean man, can you see through the wonder of amazement  
At the oberman  
Ocean man, the crust is elusive when it casts forth  
To the childlike man  
Ocean man, the sequence of a life form braised in the sand  
Soaking up the thirst of the land

Ocean man  
Ocean man  
Ocean man

Ocean man, take me by the hand  
Lead me to the land that you understand  
Ocean man, the voyage to the corner of the globe  
Is a real trip  
Ocean man, the crust of a tan man imbibed by the sand  
Soaking up the thirst of the land

Ocean man, can you see through the wonder of amazement  
At the oberman  
Ocean man, the crust is elusive when it casts forth  
To the childlike man  
Ocean man, the sequence of a life form braised in the sand  
Soaking up the thirst of the land

Ocean man

THE FUCKING END.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I had clever stuff planned for this part, but at this point I've forgotten it all. I'm sorry you had to read this abomination of a parody movie script. There's probably a fuck ton of grammatical errors, but at this point I don't care. I'm praying for the sweet release of death as I speak/you read, whatever.


End file.
